vivatregina:

I honestly can’t tell you if it’s imagined, but I’ve always felt a little out of place with everyone. It doesn’t really matter who I’m with. Maybe I’m a little socially stunted like that. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been shy. Maybe it’s because I was a bit of an oddment when I was young and was never the one to take the initiative when it came to making friends, and nobody seemed to want to make friends with me, so I grew up thinking I wasn’t worth being friends with.

It’s not that I didn’t have any friends. (I had a few, and I still do.) But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t grow up lonely. I did. And a lot of the time, I still feel that way. I still feel as though I don’t ever really fit in with anybody. Sometimes I feel like I’m forcing my company on other people, sometimes I feel like folks just put up with me because they have to for some reason or another; because social niceties demand it, because of my family name, whatever.

Maybe it’s something I just made up in my head. (Is my self-loathing that bad, that I won’t let myself believe that people who know me actually like me enough to want me around? Wow, that’s a little depressing.) Maybe it isn’t.

Whatever it is, though, I feel lonely. I always have. I have a feeling I probably always will, and while that saddens me, I find that I’m pretty used to it. (Maybe I’m just one of those lone wolf types.)

Maybe that’s why I read so much. Maybe that’s where my friends are.

There is no point to this, really. I just feel a little lonely, and a little sad, and I needed to get this out, and funnily enough, you guys listen. Maybe I’m a little crazy for sharing something this personal with over 10,000 people, but hey. Maybe you feel the same way. And if you do, well, don’t feel so bad. I feel it, too.